One wife wrote:
I found an amazing book thanks to a link on your website. When Good Men are Tempted, by Bill Perkins. My husband wasn't to happy I bought it. I told him it was important to me and we started reading it. It has been so good and given insight to how men's minds work. It describes in very simple, flat-out and honest reasons why men enjoy the sight of naked women. The best part is it has gotten my husband communicating more than ever. Before he wouldn't talk in detail or about what he was thinking, it was me prying painfully for the truth.
The book has questions for a couple to discuss together and my husband has actually been talking to me about...deeper things. Its great. For example, the other day he said, "You know why I find myself wanting to look at porn occasionally? Usually I'm bored or something, but looking at porn makes my heart beat really, really fast. It's like this adrenaline rush, and I like how that adrenaline feels." It was comforting to have him lay things out for me like that.
The other day he looked at a provocative magazine at an auto parts store (getting something he needed innocently and was targeted by trash). He told me the SAME day it happened. He looked at this car magazine because it had girls in string bikinis laying in suggestive positions. I don't think he's ever told me anything right away like that. He usually hides things for months.
Later that night he told me, "You know, I feel like if I just always tell you about any small incidents or mistakes I make it will help me not want to do it again, and help it not evolve to bigger or worse things, like internet porn, or whatever. I really do want to tell you things. You handle it better now, and I feel good about telling you. I think I can do it. Its going to keep me out of big trouble"
I felt that was true. The warm feelings we had at that moment were amazing. I can't even explain. If he can really be truthful all the time about the smallest of incidents, he can keep himself accountable and out of bigger trouble. When he hides, which was the cycle of our past, it was killing me. He'd fall into trouble through hiding, which evolved to more frequent viewings. Dishonesty is the only thing that can still kill us. I can't handle it. It sparks paranoia in me that almost makes me dysfunctional in daily life.
I have hope. Things are looking good for us. The communication is better than ever, and is helping me greatly. We're always affectionate to each other, we're lucky to have that, he does pour alot of love on me and it helps too. No one should have to be married to someone who does things behind their back.
I know things won't always be this blissful, marriage has proved to be a roller coaster for us; either very, very, extra wonderful beyond what we can explain, or very dark and hard due to porn. I feel stronger for what may come in the future, pray the honesty sticks and my husband never finds his problem evolving into something deep and dark. I know he has a good heart, he does love me, and he does love God. I can stick by someone who makes mistakes as long as they admit them and work on them with a diligent heart.
There are women in the same shoes I was in a few months ago...hopeless, scared, hurting, husbands lying, paranoid. My husband had followed a dishonest cycle and in my mind, I didn't see it ending. The endlesness to our problems seemed real and frightening. I thought I should leave a few times. But then there were stories of woman whose marriages had made it, but they had to stick through some hard times. I couldn't see myself being those woman saying, "Here I am. I faced the darkness of porn. I felt the pain. I can honestly say I've healed and my marriage is healing. You can survive this. "
I thought where do these woman come from? That can't be me. It's too painful. I don't feel like I'm surviving, I feel like I'm withering away. Now here I am saying I'm happy, and there is hope. I can't believe it. I'm rarely paranoid, I'm not fully healed, but getting there. My husband and I are happy together. I can't say I know porn won't come back and try to destroy our marriage. I can't say it will not lead to our divorce someday. If my husband gives in and gives up I can't control that. I will leave if he does, for now, he's doing what he should be doing. I'm doing what I should be doing, were working together. I won't worry about the future, I'll enjoy the present and try to build the best future I can.
September 23, 2008
September 5, 2008
Others are going through similar things
Shared by a reader of Torn Apart:
I attended a support group for wives when I was a student 3 years ago. It made a huge difference for me, just knowing I wasn't alone and being able to learn from others going through similar things. The counselors helped a lot too. The most important thing I learned was that it wasn't about me. Before then, I would take my husband's setbacks with porn so personally, it helped learning in the group that there wasn't anything I could do better to totally take away his temptations.
This is such a great time to be alive because there is so much more openess, and understanding about the enormously powerful effect of pornography. A friend of mine in her mid fifties struggled so much throughout her marriage because of her husband's problems with pornography, and she said no one seemed to understand, or be able to help them. Now that is such a huge problem, there are so many resources for those who struggle.
Thanks again for all you've done, even though it is such a huge problem in our world, I know one person can make a difference!
I attended a support group for wives when I was a student 3 years ago. It made a huge difference for me, just knowing I wasn't alone and being able to learn from others going through similar things. The counselors helped a lot too. The most important thing I learned was that it wasn't about me. Before then, I would take my husband's setbacks with porn so personally, it helped learning in the group that there wasn't anything I could do better to totally take away his temptations.
This is such a great time to be alive because there is so much more openess, and understanding about the enormously powerful effect of pornography. A friend of mine in her mid fifties struggled so much throughout her marriage because of her husband's problems with pornography, and she said no one seemed to understand, or be able to help them. Now that is such a huge problem, there are so many resources for those who struggle.
Thanks again for all you've done, even though it is such a huge problem in our world, I know one person can make a difference!
Does my child have a problem with porn?
Know the Warning Signs of a Child at Risk
taken from http://www.theporntalk.com
As parents, we are responsible for our kids. We have to feed them, make sure they get to school on time, and keep them from getting into things that kids shouldn’t be getting into. Now you may be like most parents that think the best of their kids. And that’s fantastic. Around here we love our kids too. But too often fishy or inappropriate behavior is dismissed as kids just being kids. And most of the time it is just kids being kids. But we also can’t be naive to the possible warning signs that our children are heading down the wrong track. It’s important that we identify certain behaviors or characteristics that our kids are expressing and deal with it head on.
And listen don’t freak out if you recognize several of these signs in your kids. Let this be a motivating factor to have the porn talk.
A Few Warning Signs and Indicators:
Your child is spending large amounts of time online, especially at night. This is kind of a basic one but it is a clear warning sign. If they are spending a ton of time in chat rooms or instant messaging or surfing the web, this may not be a good thing.
Your child turns the computer monitor off or quickly changes the screen on the monitor when you come into the room. If they try to hide what is on the screen then surely it is something that they don’t want you to see. Hmmm. Could it be porn? Good chance it might be.
Your teen locks the door when working on the computer. Okay, let’s consider why the door might be locked. It’s probably not so you won’t catch them diligently studying for the Algebra quiz.
You catch your child lying about computer use. Honest dialogue happens when there is nothing to hide. Lies are told to you when your child feels like you may not approve of their actions. If your child is being dishonest about computer use you need to address this.
If your child becomes isolated or depressed and withdraws from normal family functions. If a child abandons typical things that would bring them joy and withdraws into the cyber world, this must be addressed.
You find pornography on your child’s computer. This is sort of a no-brainer but many parents will try and dismiss this. If you find pornography or inappropriate material on the computer it’s time to talk.
When you check sites your child has visited, they are all erased. Covering your tracks is a clear indicator that the actions online were not appropriate. The erasing of history is a serious indicator. Make sure that history is checked often and that there are no weird patterns.
Listen to how your child or teen talks about members of the opposite sex. Do they have a healthy point of view? Are they expressing respectful comments or do they talk about guys or girls in a purely physical and sexual way. Porn removes respect and distorts a healthy perspective on relationships.
taken from http://www.theporntalk.com
As parents, we are responsible for our kids. We have to feed them, make sure they get to school on time, and keep them from getting into things that kids shouldn’t be getting into. Now you may be like most parents that think the best of their kids. And that’s fantastic. Around here we love our kids too. But too often fishy or inappropriate behavior is dismissed as kids just being kids. And most of the time it is just kids being kids. But we also can’t be naive to the possible warning signs that our children are heading down the wrong track. It’s important that we identify certain behaviors or characteristics that our kids are expressing and deal with it head on.
And listen don’t freak out if you recognize several of these signs in your kids. Let this be a motivating factor to have the porn talk.
A Few Warning Signs and Indicators:
Your child is spending large amounts of time online, especially at night. This is kind of a basic one but it is a clear warning sign. If they are spending a ton of time in chat rooms or instant messaging or surfing the web, this may not be a good thing.
Your child turns the computer monitor off or quickly changes the screen on the monitor when you come into the room. If they try to hide what is on the screen then surely it is something that they don’t want you to see. Hmmm. Could it be porn? Good chance it might be.
Your teen locks the door when working on the computer. Okay, let’s consider why the door might be locked. It’s probably not so you won’t catch them diligently studying for the Algebra quiz.
You catch your child lying about computer use. Honest dialogue happens when there is nothing to hide. Lies are told to you when your child feels like you may not approve of their actions. If your child is being dishonest about computer use you need to address this.
If your child becomes isolated or depressed and withdraws from normal family functions. If a child abandons typical things that would bring them joy and withdraws into the cyber world, this must be addressed.
You find pornography on your child’s computer. This is sort of a no-brainer but many parents will try and dismiss this. If you find pornography or inappropriate material on the computer it’s time to talk.
When you check sites your child has visited, they are all erased. Covering your tracks is a clear indicator that the actions online were not appropriate. The erasing of history is a serious indicator. Make sure that history is checked often and that there are no weird patterns.
Listen to how your child or teen talks about members of the opposite sex. Do they have a healthy point of view? Are they expressing respectful comments or do they talk about guys or girls in a purely physical and sexual way. Porn removes respect and distorts a healthy perspective on relationships.
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