I know how much pornography hurts. But there is hope. There is help. There is healing. I know, I've been there.
Many times in my first marriage I pled with my husband to tell me the truth. However horrible it was, I was certain I could deal with it much better than the lies. He couldn't find the courage to do that. When I finally did find out the truth about his pornography addiction, the catalyst it was in his repeated infidelity, it was too late to save our marriage.
When a person makes mistakes it can sometimes feel easier to cover the truth with excuses, deviations, or flat-out denial. Sometimes this gives a false sense of security and rational, temporarily allowing an avoidance of consequences. In the long run, this can cause a deeper impact or harm than the original act. Truth can be painful and difficult to bear on many levels, especially when the fear of discovery and harsh judgement or rejection from others looms largely overhead. That can seem impossible to face.
It takes courage and faith to face the truth that someone we love is struggling with pornography, especially if it is our spouse. I know how horrible that sense of betrayal feels--but wouldn't it be easier to deal with if he was completely honest? Have you told him? Can you look past your pain and help foster an environment where he is less afraid to open up?
"And you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free."
--John 8:32 KJV
These are some things I've learned about myself,and how to deal with the devastating effect pornography has had on my marriage and my family:
1. Trust that “inner voice” when you feel something is not right. You’re experiencing that for a reason.
2. Never blame yourself. Your husbands addiction is not your fault or because you are lacking in some way.
It’s been amazing to me as I’ve talked to many women facing this in their marriages, how beautiful, smart, talented, and loving they are.
3. Confront your husband about your suspicions or concerns with his involvement in porn as calmly as possible. Not to say that you shouldn’t tell him how hurt or angry his choices have made you, but try to do it without emotional extremes.
Men are much more willing to open up when they don’t feel attacked or criticized.
4. Learn all you can about pornography addiction. Understand the signs, symptoms and meaning behind your husbands’ choices
and actions.
5. If you decide to stay together and work on your marriage, get involved with a support group for wives. It helps so much
to be with other women who are facing the same challenges you are.
6. Compliment even the smallest progress you see your husband make. If he comes to you and tells you when he’s slipped
and viewed porn, thank him for telling you. Encourage him, support him, and tell him often that you love him.
7. If your husband isn’t remorseful or willing to change make the best long-term choice for you and your children.
8. When your ready and have had sufficient time to grieve, ask God to help you forgive your husband. Whether he changes or
not, do it for you. Forgiveness is the only way to restore peace to your heart.
Helpful Links:
Addiction Recovery-The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
Free Resource to Help you Overcome
http://pornographyaddiction.com/
Sons of Helaman
An excellent program for young men ages 14-28 who attend therapy in small groups to learn to overcome unwanted pornography and masturbation addictions.
http://goodpicturesbadpictures.com/
read-aloud story about a mom and dad who teach their child what pornography is, why it’s dangerous, and how to reject it.
