January 29, 2010

I'm trying to train my brain to be more like my husband's. Really.


Being male, he's an expert at thinking about one thing at a time. The long corridor in his mind has many doors he can open and close at will. When he comes home from work, stressed over an issue with a client he can put it inside his "work door" and shut it away until he needs to deal with it again, back at work.

He can walk in to a room and not see the magazines and pillows off the couch tossed on the floor, the half full glass of orange juice in the middle of the coffee table, scattered newspapers on the piano bench, the greasy smear across the middle of the gilded mirror hanging on the wall. Our two youngest chasing each other around the room and yelling.

But if he sees me walking by, with a look of discouragement and frustration over "trying to do it all" he calls me to him, puts his arms around me and pulls me close. "How are you doing?" he says with warm concern.

I look around and sigh.

He says,"Honey, why don't you go relax,lay down, read a book,or take a nap."

I tell him I can't because I have a zillion things to do. He pulls me closer, hugs me tight and tells me its okay. I protest and tell him he doesn't understand, I can't handle things a mess, or half finished, or not on schedule.

When I do that I'm denying him a chance to fulfill his role as a real man by protecting me, comforting me, encouraging me, and loving me in his way.

When I hug him back, take in a deep breath and re-arrange my perspective, being gracious, supportive, complimentary, kind, and feminine, I'm fulfilling my role as a real woman.

Then we're both happy.

2 comments:

  1. I just put your book on hold at the library. I left my husband 18 months ago; he also began the porn/masturbation cycle as a teen, but since he lied during most of our marriage, I left him only knowing that he was emotionally and verbally abusive (well, I didn't really know THAT at the time either, but after studying everything I could get my hands on as well as adhering faithfully to the gospel, I see that clearly now) and found out later that he was a porn-user our whole marriage. I have women (mostly around my age--30) constantly coming to me with their stories, the same old stories...we're compiling a book right now of all our different stories, so I'm excited to read yours! I love love love reading that you found a good man and are happily remarried; after reading Alisa Goodwin Snell's book, I have no doubt that is going to be me someday, too...but I need all the faith-promoting stories I can get as I'm awfully cynical and distrustful at the moment!! : )
    Becky: swissbecky@gamil.com

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  2. Thanks Becky for sharing your thoughts, I'm sorry about your marriage. I know too well how much it hurts but believe in yourself and the healing power of God's love. You can get through this with His help. Good luck on your book --one of the biggest things for women who are dealing with the effects of pornography in their marriages is knowing they are not alone, and knowing it is not their fault.

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